One of the hardest times in my life was the couple of years before my girls went away to college. I believe I started grieving when they were Sophomore and Freshman. Anticipatory grief. Only I would waste my time doing such nonsense. I think I wrote this one day before they left.
This zigzagging fortress created by my mind and emotions
has suddenly left me unarmed and vulnerable.
I am open to the archer’s arrows of pain from all sides.
Arrows of grief from failings in the past
to arrows of uncertainty about my invisible future.
Taking a bath and hoping it will wash away my sorrow,
I walk dripping wet for my journal with a towel draping my wringing wet hair.
I am Mary “The Virgin”, about to give up my child for the future of mankind.
How did she do it? Where did she muster the strength?
No my child is not a God or the incarnate savior
but to me my children were my saving grace.
They gave my life purpose, pleasure and pain.
Where will I find my new purpose?
I must go on into the darkness because they will take me into light.
Got to get fresh batteries for the flashlight tomorrow. Reasons for living.
Once my reasons for living. I am so proud of both of them. Such fine ladies and with jobs and insurance, and husbands who love them dearly.