Tuesday, January 27, 2015

I have always had problems going to sleep.  When I do get there I like to stay asleep.  The older I get the more I have to get up in the middle of the night to go urinate.  Then sometimes when I get back to bed the insomnia hits me again.

I think about the stupid things I have done in my life and the things I am ashamed of having done.  This morning while I was sitting Zazen (see other older blog, I forget the date, just read my blog or look it up on line) I decided that I was going to make a journal.  Every bad thing in my life I was going to write into that journal.  And when I get to the point that I can't remember anything else to write, I am going to bury that journal in my garden.  No, maybe I should burn it.  First I am going to jump up and down on it, and then I'll decided what to do about it.

Really, I should not allow it to remain intact.  It should perish.  Maybe I will research how to best destroy all the negative consequences in your life.  There is probably something on line.

I began the journal this morning.  I wrote about when I was a child of perhaps nine or ten years of age, I pushed my little neighbor, Billy L., down in the road for calling me a "sissy".  I was such a tomboy and that was the worst insult I could imagine.  They had just farmer paved our street and so it was sticky and gooey with tar and little bitty gravels and cinders.  I remember his knees were soiled and battered.  They were bloody and black.  He probably wore those ebony scars for many years.

I have surfed Billy L.'s name trying to find him to apologize.  I found one with the same name but he said it wasn't him.  He had a sister named Gloria.  Wrong Billy L.

So this incident is one of the worst things I have done in my life.  I can't just forgive my self and go on.  I must continue to chastise myself every time I think of this episode.  Maybe I should rent one of those airplanes that write in the sky and have him write, "Please forgive me Billy L.".

Another bad but not so drastic mistake I made.  I had this most excellent photo of me and this wonderful statue at the Milwaukee Art Museum.  I tried to crop it so it was a closer look and I screwed it up and got another photo on top of my right arm.  I loved this photo of me. Addi returned to the museum once and took her own photo of her and the statue.  I was jealous.  I must return to this museum.  (My hips look more like the statue now anyhow.)


  1. just think of goats you will go to sleep.

  2. KT is that you? Did you read my blog? Kiss kiss.